oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
