from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
