life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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