Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
