if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
