We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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