On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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