Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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