is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i think my cat just said my name.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize