Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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