My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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