My cat gives me a boner
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
