mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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