i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
