So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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