Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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