i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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