i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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