I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize