It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
