Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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