remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
