This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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