I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
