Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
