Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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