She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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