gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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