Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Randomize
