Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
