it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So much rum. So many feels.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
