Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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