You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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