i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize