Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
