I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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