I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
