Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Randomize
