Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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