why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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