I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
