like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
