just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize