i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
