Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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