Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
