Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
