I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
