yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
