She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
