If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
