this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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