I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
