apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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