getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
