I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
