You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
