i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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