when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
