I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
