Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
