trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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