It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
